that's it, i surrender.

"the belief of 'something is wrong with me' has ruled my life. pushed me into a cage where I believe I must fix myself. but to fix what is not broken is to waste time. there is no sin or evil that lives inside this body. this body is mighty. not weak. healed. Do I believe I am free? Free from my own mind?"

I have so much time on my hands now. I wake up and the first thought in my head isn't about what my workout will be. It's not running through the list of foods I need to buy on my 4th trip to the grocery store this week. I lay in bed. Meditate. Ask myself the question...why do I wake up everyday? What do I really want to do here? 

We get stuck in living lives according to what we tell ourselves we need to do. We feel like victims to the jobs and commitments, not remembering that we are the ones who have built these very things. Sayings like...I have to do this thing. It perpetuates this feeling of powerlessness. Being powerless to life, attacking you on all sides. 

I felt like a slave to the world of food, exercise, and control over all of it. Life was completely conditional- I wouldn't allow myself to do the things I loved, like writing, drawing, and singing, until I'd engaged with certain "behaviours." I must do a gruelling workout before I draw and listen to podcasts. And the deeper I got into this, the less I actually wanted to engage with my passions. I slipped so far into feeling like I needed to deserve or earn joy that joy became this distant thing. The fixation I had on food and body is a neural pathway I'm working to break. To realise that it's in my hands to direct my focus back into what I love.

So what have I done? Well, in the past few months, I've faced health issues that have caused me a great amount of confusion and distress. At the core of it, it's due to stress. The stress of feeling like there's something wrong with me. The stress of, I must figure this whole mess out on my own. It was a heavy, heavy weight. And the more I would engage with the "problem that is my health" the worse things got. Chronic fatigue, intense headaches, irritability, constant anxiety, weak immunity. Missed classes and other commitments. Always tired. Only a few of the symptoms, and that's hardly the point here. I am damn sick of being sick. 

How had I lost myself so much? 

It feels like waking up out of a fog. To completely surrender and listen to my body, wholeheartedly. Regardless of the weight I might gain. I have stopped exercising, which is about the scariest thing you could ask me to do. Every time I think about exercise, I feel stress course through my body. 

So, what are the long term complications of anorexia nervosa? Overexercise? Chronic stress?
I am seeing it, clear as day, now. It's not funny anymore. The shit I got away with when I was 14 doesn't work anymore. One of the most frustrating aspects of an eating disorder is the common misconception that you have to look underweight and starved in order to have serious health problems. This is not true. However it's caused me to question if I'm making all this up, what all "this" even is. It's confusing. Years of chronic dieting and restriction from certain foods, it adds up. and it doesn't change overnight. and I am paying. 

I have one body. One incredible, strong body, that has been with me through it all. The long term effects of anorexia are bone loss. Infertility. Brain damage. Calories do not just go to your ass, they are used for organ functioning! The time I spent exercising when every bone in my body told me not to, using caffeine like a crutch just to get through these workouts. adrenal burnout. it's like being a walking zombie, wondering where the hell all your life force has gone.

What is it to really heal, to really get to the root of a problem?

little little, when did the light grow dimmer? 

and how did we forget

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I let you go in exchange for control

over a world I do not know, over a world i do not know.

Grip onto anything I can wrap my grubby hands around

gotta cut these fingernails again. 

so when will I be free to spread out, 

my drawings on the walls, the ones I never let you see

all the secrets safe in my own arms. 

little little, when did the light grow dimmer? 

and how did we forget? 

 

there's been this silence since I've stopped being a slave to this monster/disorder. In that silence, there has been a period of mourning for all the years i've been "gone". a ghost didn't realise she was a ghost all this time. the deeper emotions that I've been keeping safe under the wraps of this crazy disorder are coming to the surface. From my journal - 

"I am learning self-soothing outside of food and exercise...I'm unconsciously committed to it...I use ED to numb out and distance from myself and others. Pushing out connection because I value safety and self-preservation. Firm, stubborn belief in isolation and seriousness being the most safe. It's easy to slip sometimes. Alone isn't sustainable or healthy. Tyrant has me today and yesterday, though I feel weak and like a slave. I am stronger than this. Stronger than this monster that wants to keep me small and suck the life from me." 

So this is my new moon intention, if I am to have one. I surrender. 

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